20/20

I once told my first boss of my first real job that I'll stay working with him so long as I'm not creatively inhibited. I lasted there for 20 months, even though I felt like I already learned everything that I could learn even before my probationary period was over. Part of the reason why I stayed there that long is because with that job, I was able to pay off all remaining debts I had from college then immediately take a 14 day trip backpacking around Europe, managed to train to run a marathon in New Orleans and raise $3,000 to help support AIDS Project Los Angeles, save up for when I quit I had well over $10k saved up, and still was able to buy a camera or two and take a few photo classes in the process, while doing shoots for friends and for myself. As soon as I quit, I skipped town for the Big Apple, where I did two photo shoots while there and then came home to take a photo class or two before I was tied down to my next full-time commitments.

It was for the most part, a good time in my life.

Financially, that was a very bell-curved time, and as I look back, the times when I was at my peak in saving more money than I ever fathomed I could ever save, was the time I was most miserable.

I don't think I was ever destined to have much money in the bank.

That's not to say that I have a lot right now, but I have more money than I've had in the past year, and even though I could have more if I were a little smarter with my money, my most recent big expenditures have been for things that have/will make me very happy.

I hate thinking about money. I simply hate it. I guess it's a necessary evil, but I was much happier two years ago when I barely had any, but I had a lot more free time on my hands and was doing things I wanted to do.

I'm not doing much of what I want to do right now...writing more, taking more pictures, at least coming up with ideas for fun picture-taking opportunities, and this past Friday when I got to see some old friends jam at a small coffee house in Long Beach, I realized how much I miss performing and just monkeying around with some brilliantly musical people and shoot the musical shit, listening to others try to get their collective talents to possibly play an entire song, and be happy with the few occasions when I'd somehow contribute. I miss talking shop with those folks about the little nuances about songs and lyrics, and trying to figure out harmonies and chords together. I know some really big music nerds, and though I have been spending time with some pretty musically sharp people, it's been some time that I've spent time with people who are just always willing to pick up an instrument and jam.

It's rather sad that in 4 short years, I've lost track with what was the most important thing for me - for I've been living through this desert void of little, if any bits of creativity for the past two years. I miss the sleepless nights when my mind could not rest as some idea for a project stews in my brain, or the frustration I sometimes have after burning the creative candle out (as strange as it is to explain). I miss pulling my hair out when something is not working out the way I wanted it, and even though I really don't, I do kind of miss having to be careful of my clothing as I've ruined several good shirts with fixer from the wet darkroom. I miss writing non-pathetic and sad blog entries, and I oftentimes feel something bubbling inside that needs to be written out, but every time I try to get it out, I lose steam too quickly. I don't even know the last I actually played the guitar, and I've forgotten how to play chords.

I have to do a better job trying to balance things in my life - I need to find a way where I can be a responsible, money-making (and saving) adult who needs to pay for things like a car and rent, but still be able to creatively express myself. I've been able to satisfy one for the most part, but I think the other that I've completely neglected is something more important to have in my life than I ever thought (denial, perhaps?), that it's made me into this person that I don't think I really am (miserable).

I need a new game plan.