I Don't Know Where This is Going...: Meh

I know I'm in for a doozy when I find comfort in a certain sad, chord progression, and makes me think I need to listen to some Radiohead.

And to kick everything off, I know that it's not readily available to listen, as it's not loaded onto a CD or MP3 player and the computer is no longer on.

It's not like I can control it, but it sure doesn't stop me from trying, but the feeling came over me just as swift as the way I woke up in the morning, yet again, beating my alarm clock. Maybe it was because I knew I had to get up, restart the dryer with Nat's clothes in it, gather and prepare my own load to wash, as I made sure I properly pretreated everything to ensure stains from staying.

Even while doing all that I had to fight back the urges to just go back to bed and lie there under the covers, allowing everything to settle and collect. Instead, I did what I needed to do for my morning: deciding to make rice, cook up some lunch, contemplate how strange it would taste, wishing I had some vegetarian chicken substitute instead of the meatless meatballs. Then I'd get lost in thought about what I'd call veggie chicken; I call meatless meatballs wheatballs - would I call veggie chicken fauxken? (Yes, I am aware of seitan, is it any better?) Still, I can feel deep in my heart, that it still wants to be in bed, turned to the side with my eyes closed.

It would have been an amazing lazy day, but I knew that it couldn't happen today. My best motivation to get out of the house was putting on my bubblegum pink bra and digging up my royal blue hot shorts, relishing in the fact that I know underneath it all, I had superhero overthings underthere. I would have been so happy wasting my day in only that, but I put on more muted colors over them and left the house.

On an average day, I will only see three people: My Boss, My Boss' Housekeeper, and My Roommate. Oftentimes, the fourth doesn't count, as I don't even interact with My Boss' Son, and usually just see him at the dining table doing homework, listening to music on headphones. Even then, I don't talk to those three extensively as my boss as of late has been running errands, going to rehearsals, etc., the housekeeper has to do her thing, and the only time we really talk is if we're in the kitchen together, and my roommate I see at the end of my day, but it's usually late, and she's usually about to go to bed. Even with Heidi in the office, it's usually quiet, as she concentrates on her emails and planning and whatever she does. It's such a drastic change from working in the Front Office. It does feel lonely at times, and sometimes I'll put on KCRW on the computer to keep me company. I enjoy when I have to try calling and emailing people, as it's a way to connect with someone. Yesterday was a good day for that, as I tried my swan song into getting people to help me on Saturday, and wind up having extended conversations about the company, the downward spiral of the LA Times and the horrible cutbacks they're experiencing but the excitement the company will be the featured event in a more dance-friendly LA publication, which somehow moves to talking about the Presidential elections and what's been going on with that.

Today, however, wasn't like that. I worked on a demented puzzle of a press clipping. I was hoping to get more communication as my last ditch efforts to find help was to get a cousin and a friend to join up, I was mostly hoping within that communication, I'd be able to "talk" to them a bit, at least get some sort of interaction, but that didn't pan out. I could just go and email someone or hop on a message board and chat, but being so busy with work would make me feel uncomfortable with that. With trying to get people I know to help out, at least I felt that it was a business matter, and I was justified using the company time communicating with them. I was excited when I had to somehow figure out how to send out an email blast without employing our pay-per-blast service, and knew that I'd get something to do from that. People would reply, even if it meant they were asking to be removed from our database, it would be something where I'd be in contact with someone.

I suppose it's a misnomer that I only see 3-4 people a day; for my harrowing commute to and from work has me around hundreds of people, even if for a moment. In this big city, it's crazy to think that on this same route I take every day, my chances of passing by the same person are very slim, and to think that the individual I didn't even knew existed until I had to share a lane with him or she cut me off, but probably drives these same roads just like I do. Even then, I'll never talk to these people, the only interaction I may have with them is a flash of a blinker or the honk of my horn, which I've actually been using a lot more than I'd ever think I would.

I really wish I could better control and curb these moods, as it seems to draw similar situations and events of similar nature. I know it's inevitable, but it can't stop me from thinking that I can somehow change it.

At the very least, I know when to expect it.