Random Revelations.

I just got off the phone [at the start of writing this big thing] with a cousin of mine. I guess technically, he's not really a cousin per se, as he's my dad's cousin's son, which would make him my dad's third cousin, but whatever. He's a year younger than I, and even though we didn't see each other a lot since he grew up in San Diego and San Bernardino areas when I was in the San Gabriel Valley, we always kind of had a kindred spirit. That was reinforced when he wound up going to UCLA as I was, and we both were semi-active with the Philippine club out there and more specifically, the choral group of that organization. We went through a lot together, finding out that beyond the fact that we were by default required to interact with each other because we were related by blood, but that we did have a lot in common, such as our interests in the classics and dislikes in things that we were "expected" to be interested in. One thing that really brought us together was when he came to me in tears, so distraught because he wanted to go against his parents' wishes to become a doctor and follow in his father's footsteps, and instead become a Political Science major and become a lawyer. It was a difficult thing for him, especially with the extra pressure and unnecessary guilt trips his parents gave him, but knowing me, he came to me to seek advice, and I told him that he needed to follow his passions (as I similarly did, much to my parents' quiet dismay). He knew that there really wasn't any other way to go about by things, for if he were to continue as a premed student, it would destroy him, as it was something that wasn't in his heart, and he'd just be living the life that isn't his, but his parents. He did wind up switching majors, and eventually things were righted, and he always thanked me for that support that he needed in that dark hour. Within hours of when he walked to get his degree, he was on a plane to Florida, as he was going to be part of an internship through Disney, and all of it wouldn't have happened had he not decided to follow his passions and do what he wanted to do.

Fast forward to today. He's now working in a high entry level, low mid level position in the entertainment industry. He's married whose wife is going through grad school for nursing and has recently given birth to their second son. Things are good with him. We don't keep in touch as much as we wished, but we keep each other up to speed at least once a season, and always try to plan to get together, catch up in earnest, just see how each other are.

Sometime early this summer, he gives me a call with a revelation. He had a plan to do something big. I don't have the liberty to really get into it, but it's big. My cousin is not one to just chase rainbows, when he plans on doing something, he has the knowhow and the connections to do so. Even though everything is pretty much set in place, and all the moves needed to be done are all on him, he calls me to tell me what's up and let me know of the whole project, a project only his wife and the two guys he's working with on this project know. I felt privileged that he would confide in me with what he's dreaming up, and gets me involved and tells me all about the process, sends me information, etc. As a long shot is was coming from his place in the entertainment industry food chain, but I saw that what he had was really great, and that's something that would be going for them.

Weeks and months go by, and I'm kept in touch with the process here and there. It's difficult, because he's busy working, trying to see the project go through, planning for the arrival of his second son, etc. and I'm inundated with trouble of my own.

Cut to now. After a few months of no communication, I get an email with an update and see that things have been changed nearly completely. It's good, it's better. Things are moving along at an alarming rate at this point, and we're able to talk on his way home duing his commute from the Westside to Rancho Cucamonga. Their lease in Studio City was up and they wanted another $300/month in addition, and with this project moving along, they didn't think it would be wise for them to be signing a year long lease when my cousin's just going to have to pull his roots and work on this project abroad. So he took his family and moved them in (temporarily) to his paretns' place. He has to leave the house at 3-4 in the morning in order to beat the traffic, and then sleep in his car since he gets there so early. But he believes in the project, and things are going great, he knows it's worth the sacrifice for now. It's an exciting time for him, and I'm there listening to everything, encouraging him, giving him note, telling him that things will work out and will be great.

We then start talking about days gone by, back when we were still at UCLA, and how we've always been there for each other. We always knew that each other wasn't very much interested in the "typical" thing we were supposed to, and bonded with that. We were there for each other's dark times and helped each other through that. We're still the same dreamer kids we were a long time ago, but now we just have the problems and responsibilities of an adult.

He tells me that down the road, he will need help, and if I wanted to and wasn't busy, he would love to use me as part of his team, not only because we're family and he's looking out for me, but he knows that I'm creative and trustworthy and needs someone like that by his side. I told him what I've been telling him all along: Whatever he needs help with and if it's something I can do, I'll do it, no matter how big or small. He then starts talking about how great things are right now, and how happy that he's finally able to slowly work towards his ultimate dream.

After that, he asks me, "How about you? What's your ultimate dream? How has that been going?"

The question stops me completely dead in my tracks. The tears start welling up in my eyes, as I have to explain to him that it hasn't been happening; I've been in this state of survival mode for so long, I've lost focus and track of this ultimate dream, whatever it may be at this point. I've been struggling to get by, trying to pay the rent because I no longer want to live at home, I have to pay for my car, and everything that goes with that. I haven't been creative in a large capacity in over a year, and it would be difficult for me to get back there, for most things creative would take a great investment in time and/or money, something that I can't really afford right now. And as I sat there telling him all of this, I just think of my days working at my first "real" job, having told my boss flat out that if the job ever creatively inhibits me, I'm out. It did, and I left. Two years later, I'm here, practically unemployed, almost destitute, coping with a failed relationship, and haven't done anything substantially creative in a little over a year. I disappoint myself. I wonder, could this be the foundation of why my life is just a shambles right now? Has that void in my life caused me to be an incomplete person, rendering me unalbe to fully function? Has it been eroding away at my soul that has indirectly caused, or at least amplified the current pathetic state I'm in?

My cousin listens to me as I explain to him my situation, and hopes that everything gets straightened out very soon. That's all he can offer, and that's more than I expect. I tell him in many ways, it's wonderful that he's involved me in his project, sending me information, as I give him notes and pointers, I somehow feel that I'm helping him creatively in some strange way, and it makes me happy that if I'm not doing something creative, I know someone very close to me who is, and can live vicariously though him for the time being.

So I guess for now, my ultimate dream is to get back on track to work towards my true ultimate dream. What is my ultimate dream, I wonder? I think I haven't pursued it in so long, it's completely escaped me. Perhaps it's just to get back in touch with my creative self, to be able to express myself in that way. I suppose, what better time than now? Practically unemployed, almost destitute and coping with a failed relationship, that's classic the recipe for the most brilliant and creative things out there, right?